would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
