I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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