i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize