Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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