you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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