I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
