Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize