so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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