i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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