There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
