I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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