I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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