i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
