Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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