my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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