well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
