so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
