my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
