Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize