I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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