Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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