in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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