I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
