The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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