so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
