mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
