My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
