Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
