Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
