The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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