for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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