I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
