I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
