I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
