It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
