hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
