eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
