stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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