respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
