i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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