why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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