Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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