i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
