OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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