The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
