If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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