I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I stole a fireplace last night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
