Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
