Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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