My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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