If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
