when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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