i dedicated my morning wood to you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
