just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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