My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
