Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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