She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
